Self and Purpose

Each of us defines our self in our own unique way. If someone were to ask "who are you?", what would my answer be? I probably would list important facts: my name, where I work, tell about my family, where I live, and what I do. I could define myself along any of these lines. But would I get to the heart of the matter and talk about what really makes me tick? I doubt I would in a casual conversation, but maybe with someone I have an intimate relationship with.

I struggled with a title for this blog, and I still do. I want to describe what it's about, without being too pointed or long. I am an Eastern Orthodox Christian. I am a layman. And I write what is in my heart: thoughts about the contemplative life. I have somewhat an aversion to labels though. Can I really call myself a "contemplative"? Can anyone? By nature, contemplation is a gift, it cannot be created. It is like the wind that comes and goes as it pleases. The fact that at any one point in my life I experienced it, does not mean it will return.

Merton describes contemplation as "an immediate and in some sense passive intuition of the inmost reality, of our spiritual self and of God present within us." Yet he also says "a life of active contemplation prepares a man for occasional and unpredicted visits of infused or passive contemplation."

Much of how we define ourselves would be by our work. "I am a doctor." "I am a lawyer." "I work for the government." But what is our real work? As Christians, our calling and work is to bring the kingdom of God. The kingdom of God is our working to alleviate suffering by bringing peace, love, joy and beauty to a suffering world. My real work in life then, and possibly how I define myself, is by finding my purpose and place in bringing this kingdom of God to the world.

Some are called to be pastors, some missionaries, others teachers; some are called to encourage, to give, to lead. Many are called to serve. Many are called to be laypeople and to raise godly families that reflect the love of Christ.

While all are called to pray, I wonder if some are called to be pray-ers. Not "just" pray, or "only" pray, that would be an oxymoron. But to pray as their work; to intercede and support those who are busy with action; to wait for that contemplative moment so that they can vector that grace, peace and spirit to bringing the kingdom of God to the world.

Illusion, Reality and Desire.

On my run this morning, one of my sentence prayers came to mind. "Lord, reveal to us the beauty of Your kingdom, and the knowledge of your unapproachable glory!" On a beautiful spring morning running in an Indiana forest, it seems to me the beauty of God is obvious. Psalm 19 declares how the glory of God is manifest in His creation. But for some, including myself most of the time, the reality of God's glory and beauty is obscure. Is that by design, that God wants to hide from us? Or is it due to our spiritual vision?

I think most of the time it is the latter. "God is the Lord and has revealed himself, blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord" is a refrain from the Psalms we hear at Matins. While God has revealed himself, it seems he doesn't intend to knock us over the head and make himself obvious. There has to be desire on our part to see Him. "Ask and you will receive. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened." While the revelation of God is completely spontaneous and at his will, for us to realize that vision requires preparation on our part. That preparation is with our spiritual eyes. We certainly can't see God face to face, but we can behold his presence in our hearts, our spirits.

Which brings me to the point of something I read in Merton's "The Inner Experience" this morning. "There are thousands of Christians walking about the face of the earth bearing in their bodies the infinite God of whom they know practically nothing...God does not manifest himself to these souls because they do not seek him with any real desire...They belong to illusion, to passion, to external things. They are content to occupy their minds with trivial things. But desire is the most important thing in the contemplative life."

Too often humans are focused on what we see, feel and perceive with our 5 senses. These things can be good, and can lead us to a knowledge of God's glory, but ultimately they are illusion. "While we look not at that which is seen, but at that which is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." II Corinthians 4:18. God is real. His reality is beyond our comprehension. Yet he has chosen to reveal himself and his glory through our spirits. Once I understand that, and seek God in the right place, his glory can manifest itself to me. To perceive any concept of the Almighty, I must desire him with all my heart, and look with my spiritual eyes.

The purpose of Contemplation

Thinking about how each of us has a purpose to life, I've been reflecting again on contemplation and action. The last few years, I have begun to withdraw more and more to my interior self. I've been pretty good at saying no, something I struggled with in times past. That's probably how I ended up with 5 children, 3 of them adopted foster kids. One of those is bipolar and had his first near violent outburst tonight in a while. Another is in jail facing sentencing this week for a felony. As pitiful as my life has been lately, I wonder if I shouldn't have focused on centering prayer and contemplation earlier in life.

But I've always been drawn to action also. It led me to minister to the homeless early on. Then to live for 7 years in a ghetto ministering to the urban poor. To teach Sunday school, serve in the altar, support missionaries or fight world hunger by supporting a third world child. I've always thought that is what Christianity is about: giving and doing.

Back to the last 3 years. I'm taking the time to practice centering prayer. I spend much time in the book of Psalms. I "waste" time in my woods, praying and thinking. I run for hours at a time on Saturday mornings. I attempt to pray the Jesus prayer as consistently as possible during the day. In all these things, I am not worried about giving or doing. Instead, I'm focused on "being." The contemplative life is one of being with God. Simply abiding in Him, not trying to "do" anything. And that's okay. While this may seem selfish or spiritually self-centered, it is not.

Contemplation is action. They are not two polar opposites. If one is truly in the presence of God, they will bring that presence to others, somehow, someway. For one to truly "do" anything in the name of Christ, they must first know him. I may have posted this quote from a book titled "Contemplation". It's worth repeating though. "Contemplation is God's supreme gift (charisma) which enables the soul to love him beyond all words and thoughts, beyond all specific acts, interior or exterior. It is remaining loving God, and all creation with him, with the love of God himself." "This simple act of love which so characterizes contemplation is not a private gift. The love of God in its contemplative expression not only transforms the individual soul, in a mysterious way, it also transforms the Church, the world....Contemplation is in itself authentic ministry."

So I seek my purpose in God alone. Not based on what value I add by my actions, but what value I add to this planet as a human being: fully human, and fully myself. By reaching the full stature of who Christ beckons me to become, I find meaning and purpose.

Pathway to Purpose: The Holy Spirit

St. Seraphim of Sarov said, "The goal of the Christian life is the acquisition of the Holy Spirit." We have little record of sayings of St. Seraphim, but the ones we do are powerful. How profound to think our purpose in life is to acquire the Holy Spirit, or rather, to allow the Holy Spirit to acquire all of me. But just how do we go about acquiring the Spirit of God?

The tradition of contemplatives throughout church history point to various methods, disciplines, and avenues to attempt to grow closer to God. Yet they all acknowledge one important point: God alone is the impetus for revealing himself, and His Spirit, to us. Whatever contemplative practice we take up, it will be for naught less God chooses to grant us his presence. Likewise, we may not even be seeking God when all of a sudden he breaks into our being and commands our attention.

Fortunately, there are methods or practices to help us be more open to the contemplative moment when God's presence is made aware to our hearts. Centering prayer is a common practice of our day. Reading God's word, especially lectio divina, is vital. Asceticism and denying our passions opens our bodies and minds to a greater reality than what we see and feel. Without humility, it will be virtually impossible to recognize the Holy God, Holy Mighty, and Holy Immortal one. And finally the sacraments, especially the body and blood of our Lord and Saviour, are the definitive visible means of acquiring our invisible, ineffable God.

Probably the most obvious and valuable lesson of life learned in running a marathon is that good things (the finish line!) come to those who endure. I cannot make that 26 miles pass and end without a certain degree of simply persevering. It takes seeking, waiting, and not giving up. And so it is with acquiring the Holy Spirit. While I must admit it is entirely up to God's grace to reveal himself to me, nonetheless I can pursue him with the gifts he has given to me to avail myself of his Spirit.

I prayed at a labyrinth today. The labyrinth is another great reminder of journey, purpose and perseverance. Repeatedly, the destination comes into view, and just when you think you are there, you make a sudden change in a different direction. Finally when it seems you are the farthest away, a simple turn leads you to your center.

So I continue to practice the disciplines of the saints who demonstrated best how to acquire the Holy Spirit. Daily I seek to humble myself before his throne. And through all of this, the hope is God will show his mercy toward me and grant me his Holy Spirit. This is all part of his purpose for myself, and for all.

Abba Lot went to see Abba Joseph and said to him, "Abba, as far as I can I say my little office, I fast a little, I pray and meditate, I live in peace and as far as I can, I purify my thoughts. What else can I do?" Then the old man stood up and stretched his hands toward heaven. His fingers became like 10 lamps of fire and he said to him, "If you will, you can become all flame."

Pathway to Purpose: Humility

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit." Ps 34:18

"For you do not desire sacrifce or else I would give it. You do not delight in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart You will not despise." Ps 51: 16,17.

If there is one key to the spiritual life, one quality above all others that without which the interior life cannot abide, without a doubt it must be humility. That is why pride and despair care such huge obstacles to growing nearer to Christ. If we think we are anything other than unworthy servants, his grace will not manifest itself. If we ever despair and give up, the journey is over. If we humble ourselves, and with a broken spirit come before his presence, he is always more than willing to grant us his greatest gift: himself.

Asceticism starts the journey toward purpose. We must discipline ourselves for the trip, remind our bodies and souls what our destination is, and struggle against the passions to grown nearer to our own hearts, and to His. If in our fasting, prayer and struggle we grow cold and angry, we are fasting and praying without humility. I heard a wise priest during Great Lent once say if your fasting leads to anger, go have a cheeseburger and get over it, until you can fast with humility. It is true, without humility and for the right reason, asceticism is nothing.

Countless passages in the bible point to the steadfast love and unending mercy of God. There are no sins that can separate us from himself, except our pride in not being willing to come to him on his terms. If we get our selves to the point of saying "Lord, not my will, but yours be done" everything in the interior realm will be ours. Through aceticism, we teach our bodies and passions brokeness. This is the goal of self discipline. If we struggle, and take the motive of giving up ourselves and finding him, our stuggle will not be in vain.

Jesus said "If any man is willing to do his will, he shall know of the teaching, whether it is of God..." John 17:17. God, in his infinite mercy and love, is simply waiting for our call. He awaits our hearts to give up on seeking our own way, and to come before him in humility. True humility is not self degradation; it is not loudly proclaiming how unworthy we are. Some of the most vocal flagelants I have met are probably some of the most prideful people. Instead, we should be like the publican, with silence and solitude in God's presence beating our breast before him.

Amma Theodora, from the sayings of the desert fathers (and mothers), recites: "There was a hermit who was able to banish the demons and he asked them, "what makes you go away? Is it fasting?" They replied "we do not eat or drink." "Is it vigils?" They replied "we do not sleep." Is it separation from the world?" "We live in the deserts." "What power sends you away then?" They said "nothing can overcome us but only humility." Abba John the dwarf said "humility and the fear of God are above all virtues."

So we see aceticism by itself is nothing, yet with humilty it is of great value. The desert fathers did not give up their struggle, they fought all the harder against the passions but in humility recognizing it is through God that they will overcome. And so we take the next step in our pathway towards finding purpose in life. "He has shown you, O man, what the Lord requires of you. But to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

Pathway to Purpose: Asceticism

"I cry to God Most high, to God who fulfils his purpose for me." Ps 57:2

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me." Ps 138:8

I remember when I was a young adult, how concerned I was with knowing God's purpose for my life. Along with many of my friends, we suffered much angst together trying to determine God's perfect will for our lives. Should we marry? Where should we live? What was our life’s work to be?

In the 25 years since, hopefully I have matured emotionally and spiritually enough to broaden my horizon of what God's purpose is for my life. While the Word of God is full of general direction, I have yet to find the verse with my name telling what to have for breakfast each day. Yet I have learned there are steps I can take to help me discern God’s purpose for me. These steps turn into a journey, a path towards purpose. While most journeys have an end, a destination, I am learning that this journey is an end in itself.

I have found 5 stepping-stones along this journey to discovering purpose. My path must go through each; none can be ignored. Each could become a rest area, a place to stop and regroup. But I can’t stay for long in any one place, they each lead to another. As I discover my spiritual gifts or strengths along the way, I find where I am most successful. Yet I must always leave that place to continue to the next.

Asceticism, or the disciplines of fasting and self-denial, has always been difficult for me. Early on, I did not see a purpose or a goal with these. St. Seraphim used to say one could not pray on a full stomach. While I have tried to prove him wrong, I think he has a point. I have since learned that asceticism cannot be an end in itself. If we try to make it such, our journey hits an immediate dead end.

Great Lent is a time of self-denial, of fasting, prayer, and alms giving. Again these are not our goal; they are the means to our goal of theosis, or redemption. Christ denied himself, first by emptying himself (kenosis) to become man, and finally to face suffering and a brutal death. Somewhere in that journey of suffering, our redemption is found.

I think of Pope John Paul II and the suffering he is experiencing at the end of his life. His witness until his final day is that suffering can be redemptive. While there is a great gulf between self-denial and what real suffering is, I think there is somewhat of a correlation. By denying our passions, our gluttony, sloth, pride and other desires, we get a sense of a different reality.

And so I take the time and energy to practice self-denial. I fast, or at least make a serious attempt to do so. I pray. I give. I think of ways to humble myself to others. Maybe I even run long distances, training my body to accept more than just a slothful, lazy lifestyle. Whatever I do, I remind myself that there is a greater purpose to my life than to eat, drink and be merry. And I allow this self-denial to lead me to another step in discovering my true self, and my true purpose in life.