Does it matter?
This is the post that almost wasn't. The thoughts came to me this morning during meditation in my woods, but when time came to write I thought, "Aaah, what does it matter?" Seriously though, I have been thinking about life, things and what really matters over the last couple weeks.
Two things have got me thinking about this. First, I read a thought from Theophan the Recluse (by way of an anthology of "Merton and Hesychasm"). His idea is, everything we do and think, we must approach as secondary. There is only one thing that is primary, and that is unceasing prayer, or in the Orthodox tradition, the Jesus prayer. Our lives must be in perspective of that relationship. If we view everything as secondary to the main thing, it will go well with us. The second thing that brought this home to me, is my health. I'm only 45, but I feel like I'm 90 most days lately. My migraines are getting more frequent, and I'm taking medication for them a couple times a week. My digestive system problems are getting so out of control, I don't ever want to eat out anymore for fear of upsetting my stomach. My energy level continues to drop, so my running has followed into the drain. And lest I forget, I still take beta-blockers every day on the doctors theory that my enlarged aortic root may lead to an aortic dissection. Finally, I have an 18 year old son in jail waiting to be released soon we hope, and a 15 year old bipolar son that still has us on eggshells most of the time.
I feel spiritually bipolar myself on occasion. At any one moment, at liturgy, or in prayer, in solitude or silence, I seem to be at peace. Within seconds someone is having a crisis in the house, or I wake up to that dull pain in my neck loomer larger towards a migraine, or I'm running to the restroom. I guess some would think my health is stress related, and it may be. But I really don't "feel" stressed out. I think I have pretty good coping mechanisms in place. Number one of which has become, asking myself "does it matter?"
Of course, all these things in life matter. Family, friends, job, all of these are important. But I must bring myself back to that center and ask what really matters. And, as Theophan points out, God matters. This isn't some serenity prayer etched on a cheap cypress plaque, or the footprints story laminated on a bookmark. It's about really understanding how vitally important prayer is. Prayer is, in a big way, everything. Prayer is a relationship, it is the relationship. It is living in the awareness of the Almighty. It is being attuned to a reality beyond what I see, hear or feel. Prayer is my union with God, that will last beyond all circumstance, beyond all pain, and beyond all health or lack thereof.
Last Saturday I went to a seminar on Spirituality and the Psalms. One of the points made was from a book on the Psalms by a Protestant scholar. He made the case that the 5 books in the Psalms are not randomly arranged; there is a progression in them. To find the meaning of this progression, one must look at the "seams", the Psalms that end and start each of the 5 sections. Psalm 73 begins book 3. In this Psalm, the author reveals his feet had almost slipped, he nearly lost his foothold. This came about by his taking his eyes off reality, and placing them on the illusion of life in this world. There are those who always seem to be at ease, healthy, prosperous and succesful yet they are arrogant. In the end, the Psalmist realizes "whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you."
So I remind myself day by day, moment by moment, of what really matters. I remind myself constantly and consistently in the Jesus prayer, that reality is knowing God. And while things in life may seem to be going completely against anything I can control, and entirely opposing peace and love, the ultimate reality that matters is that of God and myself.
Abba Alonius said "if a man does not say in his heart 'in the world there is only myself and God', he will not gain peace."
Two things have got me thinking about this. First, I read a thought from Theophan the Recluse (by way of an anthology of "Merton and Hesychasm"). His idea is, everything we do and think, we must approach as secondary. There is only one thing that is primary, and that is unceasing prayer, or in the Orthodox tradition, the Jesus prayer. Our lives must be in perspective of that relationship. If we view everything as secondary to the main thing, it will go well with us. The second thing that brought this home to me, is my health. I'm only 45, but I feel like I'm 90 most days lately. My migraines are getting more frequent, and I'm taking medication for them a couple times a week. My digestive system problems are getting so out of control, I don't ever want to eat out anymore for fear of upsetting my stomach. My energy level continues to drop, so my running has followed into the drain. And lest I forget, I still take beta-blockers every day on the doctors theory that my enlarged aortic root may lead to an aortic dissection. Finally, I have an 18 year old son in jail waiting to be released soon we hope, and a 15 year old bipolar son that still has us on eggshells most of the time.
I feel spiritually bipolar myself on occasion. At any one moment, at liturgy, or in prayer, in solitude or silence, I seem to be at peace. Within seconds someone is having a crisis in the house, or I wake up to that dull pain in my neck loomer larger towards a migraine, or I'm running to the restroom. I guess some would think my health is stress related, and it may be. But I really don't "feel" stressed out. I think I have pretty good coping mechanisms in place. Number one of which has become, asking myself "does it matter?"
Of course, all these things in life matter. Family, friends, job, all of these are important. But I must bring myself back to that center and ask what really matters. And, as Theophan points out, God matters. This isn't some serenity prayer etched on a cheap cypress plaque, or the footprints story laminated on a bookmark. It's about really understanding how vitally important prayer is. Prayer is, in a big way, everything. Prayer is a relationship, it is the relationship. It is living in the awareness of the Almighty. It is being attuned to a reality beyond what I see, hear or feel. Prayer is my union with God, that will last beyond all circumstance, beyond all pain, and beyond all health or lack thereof.
Last Saturday I went to a seminar on Spirituality and the Psalms. One of the points made was from a book on the Psalms by a Protestant scholar. He made the case that the 5 books in the Psalms are not randomly arranged; there is a progression in them. To find the meaning of this progression, one must look at the "seams", the Psalms that end and start each of the 5 sections. Psalm 73 begins book 3. In this Psalm, the author reveals his feet had almost slipped, he nearly lost his foothold. This came about by his taking his eyes off reality, and placing them on the illusion of life in this world. There are those who always seem to be at ease, healthy, prosperous and succesful yet they are arrogant. In the end, the Psalmist realizes "whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you."
So I remind myself day by day, moment by moment, of what really matters. I remind myself constantly and consistently in the Jesus prayer, that reality is knowing God. And while things in life may seem to be going completely against anything I can control, and entirely opposing peace and love, the ultimate reality that matters is that of God and myself.
Abba Alonius said "if a man does not say in his heart 'in the world there is only myself and God', he will not gain peace."
posted by Jeff at
8:01 AM
